Sir Top Ham Hatt is a dick and other adventures
by Mr. PBJ
Summary: I got fed up because my little cousin is obsessed with thomas,so I wrote this.CHARACTER DEATHS EVERY CHAPTER, SO IF YOU LIKE THOMAS, DON'T READ!
1. Sir Top Ham Hatt is a Dick

Sir Top Ham Hatt is a Dick

Disclaimer: Thomas belongs to somebody else, not me.

It was a beautiful day in the Island of Sodor, birds were singing, Harold was flying, and Diesel was smoking weed with his driver.

"Huh huh huh" said Diesel

"Puff puff peef!"Said his driver

Suddenly, in Tidmouth sheds, Thomas and his friends were resting. Emily was parked next to her new boyfriend, Henry.

"Wanna do it, Henry?" She asked

"I wish we could, but we don't have you know whats" Henry replied.

"Oh" Emily said.

"We are Tank engines for God's fucking sake!" Henry said.

"Hell, yeah" Emily said

Then, Sir Top Ham Hatt came to the Sheds.

"I want you to pick up some condoms, so I can do it with lady hatt, Thomas" He said.

"Pick 'em up yourself, you damn fucking fat bastard" Thomas replied.

"What did you just say?" Sir Top Ham Hatt asked.

"Pick 'em up yourself, you damn fucking bastard!" Thomas said.

"Awkward…" Said Gordon.

"Fine!" Said Sir Top Ham Hatt.

"What an asshole" Whispered Percy.

"That's it!" Sir Top Ham Hatt said. "You are all fired!"

"Yes!" everyone said.

But Sir Top Ham Hatt noticed they were happy.

"You will have to work for me forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, ever, ever" he said.

"Get him!" Said Thomas.

They chased him down until they reached a dead end.

"You are trapped, me hardy!" Said Salty.

"Get ready to be ran over by the Biggest engine around" Big City Engine Said.

They had killed Sir Top Ham Hatt and went back to the sheds to celebrate.

The End.


	2. Percy Goes Shopping

Percy Goes Shopping

It was a beautiful morning, birds were singing, factories were heavily polluting all of what's left of Earth's clean air, and Bertie had become gay, and he was getting ready to have sex with his boyfriend, Bulgy…

CENSORED!

Meanwhile, at formerly Tidmouth Sheds, now Titmouth Shits (Renamed by Mike, The Train Union's New Vice President, With Thomas being president)

Thomas was having a quite happy time, with his Hoe, Emily, at his shed.

Percy came in the sheds to ask Tomas something.

"Huh… Tom?" He said.

"Ahem" Said Thomas

"Great Pimp Master Pwning Dude Tommy Gee, GPMPDTG, for short" Said Percy.

"We've kinda…" This is all Percy could say, but Thomas interrupted him

"You've interrupted me during my Sexy Time" Said Thomas

"Sexy Time? Where'd you get that from, Oh Great Pimp Master Pwning Dude Tommy Gee, GPMPDTG, for short?" asked Percy.

"Ahem" Said Tho… I mean Great Pimp Master Pwning Dude Tommy Gee, GPMPDTG, for short.

Thomas' new driver opened Thomas' window. "'Allo! Mah Name'a Borat, Ahm from Kazakhstan , I'm here to learn great doings from you American peoples!"

"You actually hired Borat as your new driver, Oh Great Pimp Master Pwning Dude Tommy Gee, GPMPDTG, for short!?" Asked Percy.

"Yes" Said Thomas.

"Cool, Oh Great Pimp Master Pwning Dude Tommy Gee, GPMPDTG, for short" Said Percy.

"Anyways" Said Thomas. "You Interrupted me during sexy time, now go get me some engine ecstasy, Steam Funnel style!"

"Okay, Oh Great Pimp Master Pwning Dude Tommy Gee, GPMPDTG, for short" Said Percy, as he headed over to the Henry's Engine Supply Store. "Fucking Retarded Jerk" Said Percy in a low voice, when he finally got there, Henry told him that they had no ecstasy left, but Drake had some, so he headed over to the docks, in his way there he said "Hi!" to Cranky. "Surf's Up, Dude!" Said the somewhat relaxed Crane.

"You need someth'n?" Said Cranky.

"Actually, man, I was look'n for Drake" Said Percy, imitating Cranky.

"Sorry dude, he just left 5 minutes ago, you can still see him on the distance, go check him out, he's headed to S.S.D.(Short for South Sodor Docks), bro" Said Cranky.

So Percy took the 5 hour railroad trip to SSD, where he met Peppy the Crane, he was a very happy crane.

"YO WAZZUP!" Said Peppy.

"Hey" Said Percy.

"My name is Percy, and by that sign, I can tell you're Peppy" He said

"Yo the smart one, aren't yo?" He said "Is it hard to read, yo?"

"Umm…. Sort of?" Said Percy, noticing the crane he was talking to was very stupid.

"I'm looking for Drake, Large Illegal Material Carrying Ship, White, Red Stripe on Middle, Number 33 on line?" Said Percy

"I Ain't seen no white ship with red line, or number 33, but I've seen a green ship that carried candy, it had a purple stripe and a number 1, he's right over there, yo!" Peppy pointed at a certain ship he called green with blue stripe and number 1, and carried candy, but it was white with a red stripe, a number 33, and it was carrying various illegal materials.

"That's the one!" said both Percy and Peppy at the same time.

"Yo Homie, are yo dumb or stoned, gee!?" That's not the stuff you described me at all "number 33 looks like this!" and he used his hand to trace a big, fat 34745 in the air.

"Uhhh… right, how could I have been so dumb… Uhhhmmm…. Yo?"

Said Percy.

"Yeah I know FOOL YO!" Said Peppy.

So, Percy picked up the stuff and took the two-way 1 minute trail from NSD to SSD and vice-versa from South Sodor Docks, back to North Sodor Docks, then he went back all the way, but when he stopped to say hi at Henry's Engine Supply Store, Henry told him he had gotten the drugs just five minutes after he had left, so he bought some more drugs, just in case, and as he was heading back home he remembered something, the Iraqis were going to invade Sodor as a hostile sign to the Americans…. TODAY! Percy kept running with his mouth wide open until a Mini Nuclear Bomb landed on Percy which destroyed half the block.

THE END!


End file.
